Christianity is so Gay ....

It is if you read the news, and 2000 years, a certain way.

By Shannon Rupp

In all the excitement over the Democrat triumph in the U.S. midterm elections, no one seems to have noticed the change in scandal standards. Suddenly, the Republicans, who used to prefer financial corruption, have replaced their liberal brethren as the guys who can't keep their flies zipped.

Blame the Republicans' unholy alliance with fundamentalist religion. When they "opened up the tent" as they like to say, they got into bed with the very people who have fostered and preserved gay culture for centuries: Christians.

Just look at the naughtiness leading up to midterms. There's Florida Congressman Mark Foley who took the advice to turn over a new page literally. Gay hooker Mike Jones revealed that homophobic, family values, no-gay-marriage pastor Ted Haggard was a regular recipient of the rentboy's "massages." Then there are the long-running rumours that Bush-the-latter did the wild thing with a college roommate and fellow "Bonesman" (are they kidding?) in Yale's not-so-secret society, the Skull and Bones.

While there was plenty of reason for schadenfreude, there was no reason for surprise. Christianity, from its inception as an organized religion, has been about men carving out a unique place for themselves.

Big guy on top

Let's start with the supremacy of a male creator. Previous pantheist religions had gods of both sexes, and creators were female or couples. But the desert religions, Islam, Judaism and Christianity, embraced the solitary-guy-god.

Then Christians took it a step further: they worshipped a man with an unconventional lifestyle. If we're to believe the Jesus mythology, we have to accept that he was hanging out with his buddies on an extended roadtrip in an era when a man his age should have been married and raising a family. Ditto the apostles, who may or may not have been married depending on which historians you believe.

"The last supper: that's a gay guys' dinner party," says my pal Laura, who is prone to thinking about the patriarchy.

"Wasn't Mary Magdalene there? Does that make her a fag-hag?" I asked naively. (Given that she was at the cross when Jesus died and witnessed the resurrection, I assumed she was invited to the farewell dinner. It only seems polite.)

"She was a prostitute?" Laura replied. "In guy-think, that makes her an honorary man."

Turns out Laura has a point, although not quite the way she meant.

Officially, Mary wasn't at the last supper, but scholars of the Gnostic gospels argue that "John," who was, is just a stand-in for the woman apostle. Yes, Mary was given a sex change to make her teachings more acceptable to the early church, which was promoting a boys' club.

While there's no evidence that The Magdalene was a prostitute -- that's just woman-hating propaganda -- she and the switch-hitting saviour were a couple by some accounts. This pissed-off more than one apostle, including Peter, who sounds like a petulant lover in the Gnostic Gospel of Philip. He's miffed that Jesus and Mary are locking lips.

"Did he really speak with a woman without our knowledge? Are we to turn about and all listen to her? Did he prefer her to us?" Peter says, throwing a hissy fit. Talk about a drama queen.

Michelangelo's proclivities

Jesus, whether real or a concept, obviously attracted a significant gay following. That's the cult that triumphed, in no small part due to the competing gospels being buried, literally, in the early 4th century. Around about the same time, Pope Constantine came to power and decided to incorporate Christianity as part of the Roman Empire's campaign for world domination. The Romans had a patriarchal bent and apparently they missed the gay-centric undertones in the guy-centric religion, and the internal conflict we see today was born.

Try as they might, Christians have never been able to disguise their fundamentally gay culture. Look at monasteries. What is that but a safe forum for boy-on-boy action under the guise of "celibacy"?

And where do you think contemporary visual and performing arts originated? As any red-blooded North American father who forbids his son to take ballet lessons can tell you: that's just gay.

For centuries, the visual arts were all about religious devotion, and look at the artists themselves. Ever wonder why the statue of David is so beautiful? It's because Michelangelo was a connoisseur of beefcake.

When it comes to gay icons, few are as well known as the Catholics' St. Sebastian. The Roman soldier who defended Christians is featured in several famous Renaissance paintings as man-candy tied to the thick trunk of a tree and experiencing some sort of (religious? erotic?) ecstasy as his fellow soldiers pierce him with arrows. He was used as codespeak for homosexuality in contemporary art too: in Tennessee Williams's Suddenly Last Summer, the murdered Sebastian is a tip of the hat to the pin-cushion saint.

Look at the lavish design and decoration of churches. All the gilded this and that. Not to mention the elaborate rituals, the incense and the great dress-up. Even today's pope, "Joey Ratz" as my friend Chris refers to him, is known for his stylin' clothes, including red Prada loafers and Gucci sunglasses.

And we all know what it means when guys dress a little too flashy...

Repressed longings?

No doubt this was the real tension that led to Protestantism -- the sort-of-straight guys felt threatened. What's the first thing most of the protesting sects did? Got rid of the frou-frou: pomp, ceremony, saints, fancy dress, music and all the stuff that made religion a party. In the extreme form, you got the Puritans (in drab clothes) who killed Christmas as the rowdy pagan bacchanal it was and put the kibosh on art.

But straighten-up religion as they might, it remained attractive as an outlet for gay cultural impulses. John Wesley, the 18th century Anglican minister who founded the evangelical Methodist sect that George Bush prefers, certainly has a suggestive bio.

An Oxford grad (and we all know about British private schools), he remained a bachelor until 48 and then had an unhappy marriage to a widow who eventually left him. He had no children. Kind of odd for a guy who devotes his life to a church that supposedly reveres family life.

I'm just sayin'.

For something to be elevated to a sin -- worthy of hectoring and pulpit time -- it has to appeal to a lot of people. (Like promiscuity. Or bacon. Most of us are keen on those things, but they're hazardous to our health, so prohibition was built into religion to protect us from ourselves.)

But biologists tell us that only a small fraction of any species goes for same-sex romps. And orientation isn't optional. Let's face it, there's a yuck factor when it comes to engaging in any sexual act that doesn't turn one's own particular crank. So there's a natural resistance to homosexual acts in something like 90 per cent of population.

Why, then, are so many Christians terrified that homosexuality is so much more fun than heterosexuality that they have to make it a sin? The rest of us don't think that. We recognize it's a natural variation, kind of like red hair. But then, we're not surrounded by sodomites seducing innocent family men.

Every time one of them blathers on about the "dangers" of same-sex marriage, it's like admitting that, in their world, the only thing that keeps their flock on the straight and narrow is a bunch of "thou shalt nots."

As the cliché goes, politics makes strange bedfellows, and my theory is that the Roman Empire made a tactical error when it opted to back the alternative-lifestyle Christian cult. They could have supported the more inclusive sects. But much like the Republicans in the declining U.S. empire, the leadership in the declining Roman Empire opted for political expedience when they merged with religion. A bunch of people worshipping a man looked like a good bet to those misogynists.

Of course, it came back to bite them in the ass, just as it has the Republicans.

The right-wing's penchant for gay sex scandals is actually a good lesson for politicians down south, not to mention Harper's Bush-aping Conservatives up here: it's dangerous to link politics with any religion so obsessed with sex.

Oh sure, opening up the tent may seem like a good idea on the way to an election, but they really should think it through: when it comes to Christianity, opening the tent really means taking the door off the closet.

Betty Bowers Wishes all a Merry X-Mas

Mrs. Betty Bowers' Dispatch from the Front Lines of America's War on Christmas

Dear Soldiers for the Baby Jesus:

Once again, pagan combatants, wielding verbal grenades made of non-specific cheer, are on a militant rampage to retake the Winter Solstice, a holiday invaded and occupied by Christians over 1,700 years ago.

Friends, we stole December fair and square -- and are going to stay the coarse ones in turning a season devoted to love and joy into an vitriolic turf war all about us!

As America's foremost embedded reporter in the current War on Christmas, I am sending this encrypted message to you from the front lines: Macy's.


The first shopping skirmish of the season occurred when my Personal Shopper spotted secular insurgents maraudering behind the Estee Lauder counter. I personally overheard several of these "Happy Holidays" extremists, uniformed in the Lauder infantry's blue, paramilitary smocks, boldly declare a jihad on the Baby Jesus' birthday. As I feigned interest in an egregiously harloty shade of bright red lipstick, I overheard the make-up militia chant such bellicose, Christmas-hating greetings as "Have a wonderful holiday!" to civilian shoppers. They also brandished IEDs (introductory exfoliating devices) to Christian foundation buyers, Bible-believing bargain hunters simply looking for a Christmas gift that came free with a $35 purchase.
Moments later, bell-ringing infantry from the Salvation Army were called in to drown out the battle cries of "Ho! Ho! Ho!" from a sidewalk Santa. This invasion appears to have been based on faulty intelligence as it turns out that the Santa bellowing "Ho! Ho! Ho!" was merely greeting Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears as they drunkenly stumbled out of Neiman-Marcus. Before Baptist mercenaries realized this mistake, angry Pentecostal militia had already rounded up striped-stockinged enemy combatants (pint-sized operatives calling themselves "elves"). They were wrestled to the ground just outside of their bunker, a Styrofoam gingerbread house in Bloomingdale's window.

Yes, friends, this year's War on Christmas has been the most angry and dangerous yet. Several shoppers' eyes were taken out as called-up shopoholic reservists from Landover Baptist Church carpet bombed mall parking lots with "Jesus is the Reason for 40% Off Selected Merchandise" Bible tracts.


Bill O'Reilly and I undertook a reconnaissance mission to undercover anti-Christmas propaganda militants. Holiday hostilities began after I resourcefully used a "Noel" candle from Pottery Barn (which Bill mistook for a candy-striped pagan tribute to Jeb Bush's crackwhore daughter) to ignite an appalling "Peace on Earth" banner dangling just outside a notorious secular stronghold called Sephora. As Bill jumped up and down on the flaming banner, he screamed at frightened eye-shadow and fragrance browsers, "Peace on earth? You can take your anti-troops, anti-Bush, pinko pacifistic agitprop and shove it right up your --"
Fortunately, a resourceful spritz of "Hillary Duff with Love" Eau de Parfum Spray not only prevented Bill from completing his proctologic entreaty, it also caused so much collateral damage to bystander shoppers that "Hillary Duff with Love" has replaced Polonium-210 as my favorite disabling spray during our current campaign to retake the fur department at Saks for Jesus.
As all of you arm yourselves for CHRISTmas shopping this season, know that your comrade-in-arms, Mrs. Betty Bowers, is with you in the AMEX-accepting trenches. Your Commander-in-Cashmere wishes all of you a joyous Baby Jesus Day and asks you to remain vigilant against secular uprisings, such as shockingly rude cards that wish so-called "nice" things without pandering to your particular brand of faith. And a special word of warning to you lady shoppers out there: Watch out for Pastor's notoriously inaccurate missile-toe!

So Close To Jesus, I Still Haven't Forgiven Him For Stretching Out Last Christmas's Lovely Elie Tahari Paulo Sweater By Allowing The Entire Trinity To Try It On All At Once,

Mrs. Betty Bowers

America's Best Christian
Click here for a FREE downloadable Christmas Gift Tags!

I truly think that Iraq is finally acting like an American democracy! No, not just the chaos and inability to get anything done. Last week, Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki didn't want to be seen with President Bush. Why, you'd almost think he was a Republican congressman running for reelection.

Pondering the Suicide of an Anti-War Protestor

Chicago Ponders War Protester's Suicide
By ASHLEY M. HEHER
Associated Press Writer
Malachi Ritscher envisioned his death as one full of purpose. He carefully planned the details, mailed a copy of his apartment key to a friend, created to-do lists for his family. On his Web site, the 52-year-old experimental musician who'd fought with depression even penned his obituary.

At 6:30 a.m. on Nov. 3 - four days before an election caused a seismic shift in Washington politics - Ritscher, a frequent anti-war protester, stood by an off-ramp in downtown Chicago near a statue of a giant flame, set up a video camera, doused himself with gasoline and lit himself on fire.

Aglow for the crush of morning commuters, his flaming body was supposed to be a call to the nation, a symbol of his rage and discontent with the U.S. war in Iraq.

'Here is the statement I want to make: if I am required to pay for your barbaric war, I choose not to live in your world. I refuse to finance the mass murder of innocent civilians, who did nothing to threaten our country,' he wrote in his suicide note. '... If one death can atone for anything, in any small way, to say to the world: I apologize for what we have done to you, I am ashamed for the mayhem and turmoil caused by my country.'

There was only one problem: No one was listening.

It took five days for the Cook County medical examiner to identify the charred-beyond-recognition corpse. Meanwhile, Ritscher's suicide went largely unnoticed. It wasn't until a reporter for an alternative weekly, the Chicago Reader, pieced the facts together that word began to spread.

Soon, tributes - and questions - poured in to the paper's blogs.

Was this a man consumed by mental illness? Or was Ritscher a martyr driven by rage over what he saw as an unjust war? Was he a convenient symbol for an anti-war movement or was there more to his message?

'This man killed himself in such a painful way, specifically to get our attention on these things,' said Jennifer Diaz, a 28-year-old graduate student who never met him but has been researching his life. Now, she is organizing protests and vigils in his name. 'I'm not going to sit by and I can't sit by and let this go unheard.'

Mental health experts say virtually no suicides occur without some kind of a diagnosable mental illness. But Ritscher's family disagrees about whether he had severe mental problems.

In a statement, Ritscher's parents and siblings called him an intellectually gifted man who suffered from bouts of depression. They stopped short of saying he'd ever received a clinical diagnosis of mental illness.

'He believed in his actions, however extreme they were,' his younger brother, Paul Ritscher, wrote online. 'He believed they could help to open eyes, ears and hearts and to show everyone that a single man's actions, by taking such extreme personal responsibility, can perhaps affect change in the world.'

His son, who shares the same name as his father, said his father was trying to cope with mental illness. Suicide seemed to be the next step, and the war was a way to give his death meaning.

'He was different people at different instances and so, so erratic. I loved him no doubt, but he was a very lonely and tragic man,' said Ritscher, 35, who is estranged from the rest of the family. 'The idea of being a martyr I'm sure was attractive. He could literally go out in a blaze of glory.'

Born in Dickinson, N.D., with the name Mark David, Ritscher dropped out of high school, married at 17 and divorced 10 years later. Eventually, he would change his name to match his son's and, coincidentally, a world-famous prophet. At the end, he worked in building maintenance and was a fixture in Chicago's experimental music scene.

He described himself as a renaissance man who'd amassed a collection of more than 2,000 musical recordings from clubs in Chicago. He was a writer, philosopher and photographer. He was an alcoholic who collected fossils, glass eyes, light bulbs and snare drums. He paid $25 to become an ordained minister with the Missionaries of the New Truth and operated a handful of Web sites protesting the Iraq war.

A member of Mensa who claimed to be able to recite the infinite number Pi to more than 1,000 decimal places, he titled his obituary 'Out of Time.' Friends, who seemed surprised about his death, found themselves searching for answers. Ritscher's death became even more enigmatic than his life.

Perhaps the most famous self-immolation occurred in 1963, when Buddhist monk Thich Quang Duc burned himself at a Saigon intersection in protest against the south Vietnamese regime. Another activist, Kathy Change, lit fire to herself in 1996 at the University of Pennsylvania to protest the government and the country's economic system.

Ritscher's death brought back memories for Anita King, a 48-year-old artist from West Philadelphia who was Change's best friend.

'I think both of them, they just felt like their death could be the last drop of blood shed,' King said. 'It was too hard for them. They had too much of a conscious connection to the struggle to go on in their lives.'

In the end, only Ritscher knew the motivations for his suicide. There is little doubt, though, that he was satisfied with his choice.

'Without fear I go now to God,' Ritscher wrote in the last sentence of his suicide note. 'Your future is what you will choose today.'

___

On the Net:

Malachi Ritscher: http://www.savagesound.com