Betty Bowers Discusses John Mark Karr, Would-be Pedophile

Betty Bowers, the Fabulous Christian from Landover Baptist Church has issued another of her newsletters, this time regards John Mark Karr, the man with the fantasy ideas about JonBenet Ramsey ...

Betty Bowers Newsletter August 2006

America, the kid at the UN with ADD, has something new to take its mercurial attention away from the craziness in Iraq: the even crazier John Mark Karr. Talk about snakes on a plane! Finally, a bobble-headed pedophile to make Michael Jackson look, if not blandly benign, at least less heavy-handed with the tattooed eyeliner. We are told that Mr. Karr was in Thailand to have his testicles removed for $1,625. Apparently, he decided that the more cost-effective approach was simply to be a notorious child molester in a maximum security prison. That way, his unwanted balls will be removed by a gang of inmates without charge or handling fee.

Yes, it seems that John Mark Karr is all about innovative techniques for saving money. Stuck in Europe with only a standby ticket in coach? Just admit to killing Natalie Holloway and some desperate DA will fly you home in business class! You can recant once you've retrieved your luggage.

Back when Patsy was entering JonBenet in pedophilic livestock shows, she could only dream that her tarty tot would one day eclipse Marilyn Monroe to become America's most talked about dead blond.

The Middle East tenaciously cooks up new, clearly insane ways to implode. North Korea precariously kooks up nuclear ways to make the rest of us explode. Meanwhile, what are Americans doing? Less enthralled by liquids on planes that cause explosive flyovers than those that cause explosive hangovers, America is fixated on John Mark Karr's in-flight champagne,
Gulled and gloating, American media conglomerates, more keen on investing than investigating, proclaimed that JonBenet Ramsey's killer had been located. Goodness me, I thought that's what that "Patricia Ramsey" tombstone was for! Without so much as an incredulous "C'est WHAT?" the press transcribed the nonsense John Mark Karr prissily proclaimed, put it up on a teleprompter and told America it was true. Does this mean that President Bush will no longer be CNN's go-to guy for a crazy, shifty gaze and a steadfast refusal to succumb to truth?

We are a national obsessed with the emotional masturbation of endlessly commemorating past tragedies rather than the tedium of trying to prevent new ones. (Let Scotland Yard worry about that!) Manipulative and maudlin, preferably with schmaltzy pathos set to a soaring score, and just like the reactive, passive Department of Homeland Security we deserve, we devote all our energy and production values to the sadness of yesterday's deaths rather than the madness of allowing tomorrow's.

Republican Red State Christian values in action: Putting enough Mary Kay on prepubescent girls to make them look like adorable pint-size prostitutes!

Yours,
Mrs. Betty Bowers